All I wanted was an audiobook

Back in June of 2018, I was partway through my three months of working at Poole Family Farms. After seeing yet another sponsored ad for Audible during a Blimey Cow video, I finally caved and signed up for a membership. Afterall, I could just cancel before the month was up and get away with my free audiobook (which ended up being “Yes, Please” by Amy Poehler – pretty good!), right? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK.

It’s now *checks watch* February, and while I’m satisfied with the audiobooks I’ve selected over the last nine months, I’ve been feeling for quite a while that it’s time to wrap this thing up. Easier said than done, apparently. I have one more credit left to spend, and if I cancel the membership before using it, it’ll disappear. Now, let me tell you, I want to achieve the maximum potential out of my credit; that means whatever audiobook I choose should:

  • Cost more than $14.95
  • Have potential re-listenability
  • Not be so short that it could be finished in a day’s reading or less (might as well just borrow the hardcopy at that point, eh?)
  • Make me a ~*better person*~ (it was so hard not to default to Harry Potter, but I wouldn’t listen to anything else if I got it, and it wouldn’t help this particular goal

With these goals in mind, I scoured the categories of Audible. Eventually, I started wandering into history, particularly Christian history. A couple books looked good, but once I looked up reviews, they seemed to say otherwise; reviewers would say they were biased. Everything has some bias in it though, right? I looked up other books in other subjects, and there always seemed to be some fatal flaw in it. Nevertheless, it started me down this rabbit hole of wondering what’s actually reliable and true in all of life. I kid you not, I literally have a piece of paper next to me where I tried to write down a list of constants, and it says “math”. … I can’t even.

This has been an awfully roundabout way for me to remember that we truly don’t know anything for certain, and everything needs faith at some point. However, I don’t want that to be an excuse for not thinking everything through, especially when it comes to faith in God: something that determines how everything else in existence is viewed and then acted upon.

I want someone to tell me what to do next. Believers and non-believers alike will say it’s good to think critically and to seek truth, but the ways they go about that are so different, and I feel like I’m doing it wrong whichever way I try. From my current position of faith, I’d say I should continue walking with God while continuing to learn more about Him. However, that’s basically Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, isn’t it? Where if I believe something hard enough, I’ll start to see it coming true everywhere, thus solidifying the belief further. Or maybe it’s more of a Placebo Effect…

If I’m being honest with myself, I legit want to grow in critical thinking and understanding of the world and God, but I am scared that if I dive too deep, I’ll lose faith, and I really don’t want to. People say time and time again that, “there’s no question too big for God”, and, “anything worth believing needs to hold up against scrutiny” or something, but people walk away from the faith everyday. People also come to faith everyday, too, so, hrmph.

All those unoriginal thoughts said, I still have no idea what audiobook I want to get with my last credit.

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